You Stupid Bitch

What meditation has done for me has changed my life.

Sulay and I have been married for a little over 7 years now and I have no idea why she is still here. After all, I do have difficulty surviving relationships and have been married multiple times thanks to PTSD. So how is this relationship going to be different than the others? I have changed.

Continuing with old habits, I used alcohol to ease the pain and help me forget. I started drinking more and more and began to have blackouts. If you have ever had a blackout, you know you still function, as normal as a drunk can. But your short term memory is gone. You remember nothing during the time your body is trying to absorb all the alcohol. It was during one of these blackouts that my life changed.

The morning following one of these blackouts, Sulay came downstairs and asked if I remembered what I had said the night before. I said no, why?

She started telling me how she asked me when was I going to cover the grill. I love to grill and I keep the grill covered when I am not using it. She said I angrily jumped up from the chair and went outside to cover the grill. When I stormed back inside is when it happened.

She was in the kitchen but heard me say "You stupid bitch".

That, my friends, made me stop in my tracks.

I asked myself "What are you doing? Are you trying to ruin this amazing relationship?" In the past I would have merely shrugged it off and moved on. But my connection with Sulay is different. It is something special.

Over the next few days that were filled with embarrassment and shame, we talked about this. I apologized over and over again. Finally, Sulay said something that, for the first time, made sense. She told I needed to start meditating.

Sulay has been meditating for several years and has tried to get me interested in it. But I am macho man. I didn't need stuff like that. But I knew I had to do something different.

To change.

So I asked her for help.

#meditation #ptsd #blackout #awareness #drinking #clearyourmind #veteran #anxiety #innerpeace #awareness #mindfulawareness #consciousness #peace #perspective #youstupidbitch